Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My work here is done
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
tourist season
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.