Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“You’d better run, egg!”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.