Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
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Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison