Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
You Might Also Like
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Goodnight 🐶
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard