Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Expect the unexporcupine.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Children of the corn 🌽
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.