Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I have questions??
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face