Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G