Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.