Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?