asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.