asked my bf how work was today
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THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
bought wrong eggs
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.