Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!