Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”


I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank


I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.


If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad


“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list


*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going


I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.


Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.


CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*