Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
You Might Also Like
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I triple waxed for this?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.