Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Bartenders are just boneless bars

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

And that about sums it up.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”