asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.