asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?