Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Venn
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.