(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-



my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?


“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.


The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.


Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate


Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes


[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school


embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together