(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”