Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Solving a traffic jam
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!