@craigwantsnack

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

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@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@notalogin

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

@mohitraj

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

@SheMightHave

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.

@aaronasellars

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

@felixoshea

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@envydatropic

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum