Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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I will never stop laughing at this
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you