Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
looks legit
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.