Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.