Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.