Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.