asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.