Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Going into Monday like
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.