Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.