Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
live, laugh, laundry.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.