*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
WTF
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid