*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You Might Also Like
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.