@Mom_Overboard

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

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@scottdedalus

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

@iwearaonesie

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

@better_off_dad2

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

@KentWGraham

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

@treydayway

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

@RunOldMan

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.