Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.