Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works