Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read