Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
That’s incredible! 👌
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.