assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
never forget
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.