Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
That de-escalated quickly
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter