Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*