@decentbirthday

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

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@hyperblastchic

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

@TheToddWilliams

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

@Marlebean

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

@osigat

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

@david8hughes

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

@marknorm

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

@SheOverAnalyzes

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.