ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Put the is in disheveled
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.