ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.