Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
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“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Nothing to do, you say?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”