[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You Might Also Like
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.