Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
japanese corn
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.