[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You Might Also Like
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Mornin
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out