Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol