astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.