Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
They’re really bad with fonts.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello