Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??