ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
You Might Also Like
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.