@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

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@junejuly12

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

@iwearaonesie

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

@HollyHeals

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

@GrowlyGrego

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@simoncholland

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.