@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

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@9GAG

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

@iAmDelFreaky

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

@MariyaAlexander

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

@CroweJam

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@notalogin

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

@ANastyGorilla

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry