Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.