Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.


Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.


My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.


I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting


Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.


Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.


DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ


I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry