Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
scared to check what name she chose