[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]