Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Don’t we all.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.